Overwhelming stressful week

The past few days' been my worst week at work.

1. My company offered me a permanent position finally. In case u're wondering, yes i'm happy abt that confirmation. Unfortunately, there wasn't any discussion prior to it and everything was set without my knowledge. Confused, angry, yet the courage to quit is still lacking. Is it becos i'm such a pushover that ppl just keep taking advantage of me? Is it becos i dunno how to stand for my own rights? or maybe i'm really just not up to the job - YET? It hurts to know that i'm wanted in the company not becos of how i can contribute, but i'm just a cheap hardworking ass. That sucks, u know? Of cos, no one said that to me explicitly, but anyone can see that. OR, i can look at it another way - despite my lack of experience, they're willing to keep me, train me. basically, they see potential in me - which is what they've been trying to say. my prev supervisor is great, we're on even better terms after i left her wing to go for some proper hands-on account servicing experience with another account director. In fact, she's the one who initiated the confirmation and chased HR for my pay checks, my application, etc etc. She told me i'm good, just inexperienced, so i shld bite the bullet now and accept it. So good that she'll recommend me to anyone if i go elsewhere. "that's how good i think u are," she said. Sometimes, i just wonder, if i'm so good, why am i not offered an amount that matches to my value? It's intriguing how people reason out. Sigh. i dunno.

2. I made many mistakes at work this week. And my current supervisor is kinda frustrated. Not to mention i made a MAJOR mistake on friday, which made me cry BUCKETS. sigh. Did a post-mortem with my good fren and he said i shouldnt have cried openly as it wld affect my reputation even more. GOD! now it's wrong even feeling guilty and showin it! sigh, why is it that everything that i do is wrong?! Am i too weak? I think i'm just not professional enuf at work. YES, i'm not.

3. I'm still not over it yet. still not. even tho how much i tell myself i have. nothing hurts more than this. Cousin asked me just now, "what happened at work is it due to a) THAT, b) lack of sleep, or c) u're just too blur". It's probably a combination of all. For most of the week, i've been going home after 10pm, sometimes 1am. And my CD started questioning me why i need to. Now, this is not a good sign as angmohs dun appreciate those who work late as they associate that with inefficiency and the incapability to prioritize. One nice thing she said was, "u shld go partying everyday! not work till so late!" That was nice, i guess. One other angmoh, the aussie who used to make me do things (surprising, she's VERY nice to me these days), saw how upset i was and said, "If u cant handle anything, just let me and xx noe, we'll help. GM & CD really likes u, u noe, so just shout out if u need help. JUST don't quit, ok!" That's the other nice bit i got on an awful friday evening. At least there're ppl in the office who appreciates my presence. I shall aim NOT to leave work after 7pm this week onwards!! AIM AIM!! Having no time goal is a killer and a sure-late night. 7pm it shall be! no more push-work-to-kaixin from monday onwards! and focus focus focus!!!

4. I was late for tuition today. AGAIN. for half an hr. that's equivalent to reputation suicide. ok, this NEVER happened to me 1-2 yrs back when i first started. This semester and the last one was particularly terrible. Perhaps i'm just not suitable to be a tutor, or i'm just so not focused these days, i can't find myself, i'm soo lost and like a wandering soul for the past 6mths, that it's affecting my work, my family r/s, my tuition, my frens r/s, my everything! WAKE UP, XIN! WAKE UP!! =( I need to snap back to the good old strong, opinionated Xin bk when i was in Uni, SOON. I NEED TO. My life is in a mess now.

5. The only good thing that happened is that i finally got myself a new hp - SE K750i. it's got one of the best functions ard - 2MP camera with photolight, mp3 functions, fm radio, melody composer, etc etc. Whatever i need, it's all in. I used to procrastinate the purchase of hps cos 1) it's ex, 2) i'm just too stingy to change hps cos i dun need such a gadgety phone and i can always rely on an older phone from my sis or whoever. Now, as i grow older, i find it embarassing to ask my sis to supply me with her older hps/her bf's spare hps cos it's just awkward now! neither do i get my mum to sponsor me, which i think i can get it if i insist.

Sigh it's the start of a new work week. I need to focus on getting my work right from today onwards and not focus on last week's embarassment at work. I need to focus! The first step is to sleep early! ok, i shall sleep at 11.30am after my new hp is fully charged!

yea! cheers to a better me! =)