composed being

Suddenly. the easily agitated one has become very calm.

very very composed.

no longer the struggling girl who didnt know what's happening but only knew she had to lower her dignity to apologize for something she didnt even understand why she'd been blamed for.

now she's clear-headed. now I'M clear. on what is right and what is wrong. what is reasonable and what is not. when i'm unreasonahle and when i'm wrong. when to apologise and when to not. when to show respect and when to behave such that i'll be respected.

now i've learnt the rules of The game - to be in control, is the key.

However in the process i realise i've lost the ability to freely show my emotions. I keep them subdued, in order to be objective. It might be a good thing for people around me. But I feel like i've lost a part of my identity along with it.

Perhaps it's not a good thing after all. For one day it might explode.

The only hope is that it'll never explode.

~yoda